Am I really?

It is kind of unnerving when everything seems to be happening the exact same way as last time. I took the provera to start my period then took the clomid to help me ovulation. On day 21 of my cycle I had my progesterone level checked and was told that I didn't ovulate again. So we started the next cycle of meds and then I didn't start my period when I should have... So I waited a few days and took a pregnancy test and it came back positive, to double check I took another test and it also came back positive. Normally one would be really happy and excited at this point, but I was freaking out. Everything was exactly like last time and I was REALLY worried that I would have another miscarriage and I didn't want that. I called my doctors office freaking out a little, but the nurse was really helpful and understanding. I was told when to schedule my first appointment and then was prescribed a couple of prescriptions to help me hopefully maintain the pregnancy.

Our little Dino! (From my second ultrasound)

October 3rd rolls around and I head to my first appointment. I was nervous because I just wanted answers and I got them. I was able to have an ultrasound that day and we found out that there was a fetus growing inside of me! I was also told that I wasn't measuring as far along as if you go by my last period. I was about a week behind, so we weren't able to hear a heartbeat that day. (I was supposed to be 6 weeks and 6 days along, but was only measuring 5 weeks 2 days) The ultrasound tech told me to schedule another ultrasound for the following week or two and we'd be able to hear that heartbeat. So I did and on the 16th of October I was able to go in and the nervousness was still there. I was measuring about where I should be and there was definitely a baby growing in there! Then the moment of truth came. Would we hear a heartbeat or not? Well we did! It was an AMAZING experience. I, for the first time in my pregnancy, allowed myself to be excited.

The nausea and fatigue has been there this time, which is different then the last time, but that didn't mean we were completely out of the woods. On November 14th I had my next appointment and Dr Merrill told me everything lab wise looked good. It was then time to check for the heartbeat. This was definitely a nerve racking experience. At first there was a student (at least I think he was a student. I didn't get introduced to him) that tried to find the heartbeat. He couldn't seem to find it and that completely freaked me out. I thought this can't be happening again! Then Dr. Merrill took over. It took him a little bit, but he was finally able to find it! Hearing the heartbeat is such a relieving sound. I could finally breath again. I had made it 11 weeks and there was still a heartbeat!!!

My appointments in December went well too! Dr. Merrill was about to find out babies heartbeat pretty quickly this time. On December 20th Shaun and I found out that we are having a little girl. It was amazing to sit and watch her move around and to be able to listen to her heartbeat. This was the first time Shaun has been to an appointment and I think it made it so much more real for him.

We told our parents on Christmas Eve that we are having a little girl and they are so excited! My parents are excited to just be having a grandchild (this is their first) and Shaun's parents are excited to have a granddaughter in the state of Utah!

She is so cute! I already love this little girl so much!

At my last appointment on January 3rd, I had the ultrasound where they check to make sure everything looks good and the amazing ultrasound tech (she really is AWESOME!) said that everything looked good. Our little girl was being so cute! Towards the end of the ultrasound she had her legs up by her head. It was pretty cute. After my ultrasound I met with Dr. Merrill. He looked at the results from the ultrasound and since I was measuring further ahead then the June 5th due date, about 19 weeks and 1 day, he decided to change my due day back to my original due date of May 24th. He said that with my two early ultrasounds that things could have been off just a little bit and cause a big difference in the due date. So as of my appointment I am exactly 20 weeks along! I have made it halfway through my pregnancy! I honestly can't believe how quickly it has gone.

A Hope for the Future

Just a heads up. This post may be a little TMI for some of you! You have been warned! 

As some of you may know Shaun and I have been trying to get pregnant for a couple years now and it hasn't happened for us. I wasn't very happy with the doctor that I have been seeing for the last couple of years and so I decided to switch and start seeing someone else. The doctor I decided I wanted to see had a 10 month waiting list, but we decided that was okay because I was in school and I wasn't so sure being pregnant and doing school would work. Well as the time for my appointment got closer I realized that I had a conflict with school and need to change the appointment. I called to see when I would be able to switch the appointment to and the first person I talked to told me that it would be another nine months before I would be able to get into see the doctor. This I was not okay with. I was almost done with school and I was really ready to move on to the next chapter of my life. I was basically back to square one. I asked around and got a few recommendation to go see Dr. Robert Merrill and so I called to schedule an appointment and was able to get in within a couple of weeks. It was the best decision I have made in a long time! Dr. Merrill is awesome!

Test #1

At my first appointment with Dr. Merrill he spent a lot of time talking to me about my options and we were able to make a plan that he was pretty sure would work. This plan involved me taking  provera (helps start my periods since I don't start on my own) and clomid (this is supposed to help with ovulation) and then getting my progesterone level checked to see if I ovulated. We did this one cycle and my progesterone level came back really low so I was a little bummed, but I know that was a possibility. I took a pregnancy test to make sure before I took my next dose of provera. It came back negative (at least I swear it did) and so I took the provera. Well 10 days later (April 13) I still hadn't started my period (you are supposed to start 5 days after taking provera) and so I took another pregnancy test and it came back positive! I was SO excited and also kind of doubtful of the results and so we bought another test and took it and it also came back positive!! I was so excited! I had wanted this for so long and it was finally going to happen.

Test #2

We had our first OB appointment with Dr. Merrill on April 30th (I was 8 weeks) and everything seemed to be fine at that appointment. He told us that it was too early to hear the heartbeat and that we would be able to hear it at the next appointment. The next day I received a call from the nuMoM2b study asking me to be a part of their study. Benefits of being in the study included 3 different ultrasounds through out your pregnancy and I thought that would be a lot of fun, so we decided I would join the study and we set up my first appointment with them for a couple weeks later.

The Gift Basket

Shaun and I decided that we wouldn't tell anyone (okay so I did tell some people... I was REALLY excited!! I couldn't wait) until we told our Mom's on Mother Day.We invited them over for a nice pot roast dinner and then gave them their presents. I had made gift baskets with baby bananas, baby carrots, Babybel cheese and a baby pineapple in it. I also made a card to go along with it that announced our new addition. All of our parents were really excited! It was fun to get to share our big news with them.

Then came the day of my first ultrasound. I was nervous and happy all at the same time. Shaun wasn't able to go with me because he had work he needed to do, but I completely understood. So I get to my appointment and they take me back and start explaining to me what would be happening during the course of the study and what I would be receiving from it. Then it came time for the ultrasound. The ultrasound tech started looking around and doing her measurements and stuff, all the while I am watching the ultrasound on a monitor on the wall. I have never had an ultrasound done before so I didn't really know what I was looking for so I honestly was completely oblivious to what was really going on. Once the ultrasound tech is close to being done she informs me that she is unable to find a fetus, but that she wants to find a doctor to double check what she is seeing. I honestly at this point couldn't absorb what she was telling me. Even after her and the nurse went to find the doctor it wouldn't sink in. How could this be? How can there not be a baby in there? The news didn't really sink in until the doctor came to do another ultrasound on me to see what he found and the results came back the same. There was no fetus growing. I had had a miscarriage. The doctor told me that I had a blighted ovum or an anembryonic pregnancy. I was devastated. How could one week go from being the happiest week of my life to the worst in a matter of days? 

What the ultrasound looked like...

The nurse and the doctor left me in the room so I could try and contain myself and make a call to Shaun. I called him and he was great. He immediately dropped everything he was doing and came to the hospital to comfort me (I really do have an AMAZING husband!). I honestly feel like I had let everyone down. Everyone was so happy and looking forward to us having a child and I wasn't able to deliver. I just wanted to curl up in a ball and cry, but no luck! It was my last night of finals week and so I couldn't miss class.

The next day I called my doctors office to see what the next steps were and they were really nice. My doctors nurse wasn't there that day, but the nurse who was filling in for her was great and I really appreciated it. It wasn't a call I every thought I would have to make and so it made it way easier with the way she handled it. Dr. Merrill was willing to work me into his schedule if I felt like I need to be seen that day, but I decided that I would be okay waiting until the appointment I had setup for the next week. The waiting game had officially began.

The nice gift & card

I was lucky in the fact that there wasn't a lot of pregnant ladies in the waiting room when I got there for my appointment. I am not sure I would have been able to handle that. Anyhow... On to the appointment. We get taken back to the room and are told that the doctor would be in shortly. Next thing I know Dr. Merrill's nurse is opening the door and she hands me a nice little present and card. It was so nice and thoughtful of her! It totally made me feel special. Once Dr. Merrill got into the room we talked about what could have caused the miscarriage (did you know that 22% of pregnancies result in a miscarriage?) and we discussed the option for getting the sac out. 1) I could wait for it to happen naturally 2) I could take a medication or 3) I could have a D&C.  We decided on options 2 and we decided to wait to do that option until the weekend so I didn't have to miss any more work and to see if I would be able to pass it on my own since I was already having some cramping going on.

Friday Night rolled around and Shaun was great and helped me with the pills and we headed to bed (this was around midnight). Around 5 AM I woke up in extreme pain. It was like NOTHING else I had ever experienced before. I didn't want to wake Shaun so I went to the bathroom down the hall so I wouldn't bother him. After a few minutes I decided I would try going back to bed, but by the time I got back to our room  I knew that wasn't going to work, due to the cramping/pain I was having that the amount of bleeding that was happening. So I headed to the bathroom in our room. I had shut the door so I didn't bother Shaun and it worked for a while until I REALLY needed him. I had been calling his name with the door closed and he couldn't hear me, but once I opened the door he was able to hear me and he came to my rescue. I asked him to give me a blessing, which was a great comfort to me. With that and some Lortab (mostly the blessing) I was able to go back to sleep for a couple more hours. The pain hasn't been as bad since.

As I have looking into blighted ovum's more my pregnancy symptoms start making a lot more sense. I was occasionally nauseated, but I had only thrown up one time the whole time. As time went on things the symptoms seemed to decrease and all of this is common with this type of miscarriage. Part of me the whole time was worried about the pregnancy symptoms being worse than they were. I had read that those who don't have morning sickness have a high chance of miscarrying... I guess I provide that right.

It has been a week now and things have definitely better for the most part. I still have my days where it is really hard, but I am sure that will take time. I have my days were I am kind of bitter. I really just want one baby. That is all I am asking for and I see people around me having their third and fourth babies. Some days I don't think it is fair and other days I know that it just isn't the right time for us. So for now we are going to take things one day at a time.

Things that I have learned from this experience
1) I can get pregnant. This is something I was wondering if it was ever going to happen. We don't know if I can maintain a pregnancy, so we will just have to wait and see. I still believe that it will happen for us.

2) That I have an amazing husband. So I already knew this, but this whole experience has just confirmed to me how amazing his is. He is been so great and supportive through this whole thing. I am so glad I married him.

3) That my Heavenly Father loves me (I knew this already too...) and that He wants what it best for me. I am not quite sure what I am supposed to learn from this whole thing, but I know that someday I will look back and I will realize what it is.

I didn't write this blog to make you feel bad for me. I wrote it because needed to write this experience down for me. I am hoping that is will help me get past some of the feelings I am having and that I will be able to make it through this whole thing better. I do appreciate all the love and support I have received as I have gone through this and as I continue to go through it.