Sunday, June 3, 2012

A Hope for the Future

Just a heads up. This post may be a little TMI for some of you! You have been warned! 

As some of you may know Shaun and I have been trying to get pregnant for a couple years now and it hasn't happened for us. I wasn't very happy with the doctor that I have been seeing for the last couple of years and so I decided to switch and start seeing someone else. The doctor I decided I wanted to see had a 10 month waiting list, but we decided that was okay because I was in school and I wasn't so sure being pregnant and doing school would work. Well as the time for my appointment got closer I realized that I had a conflict with school and need to change the appointment. I called to see when I would be able to switch the appointment to and the first person I talked to told me that it would be another nine months before I would be able to get into see the doctor. This I was not okay with. I was almost done with school and I was really ready to move on to the next chapter of my life. I was basically back to square one. I asked around and got a few recommendation to go see Dr. Robert Merrill and so I called to schedule an appointment and was able to get in within a couple of weeks. It was the best decision I have made in a long time! Dr. Merrill is awesome!

Test #1
At my first appointment with Dr. Merrill he spent a lot of time talking to me about my options and we were able to make a plan that he was pretty sure would work. This plan involved me taking  provera (helps start my periods since I don't start on my own) and clomid (this is supposed to help with ovulation) and then getting my progesterone level checked to see if I ovulated. We did this one cycle and my progesterone level came back really low so I was a little bummed, but I know that was a possibility. I took a pregnancy test to make sure before I took my next dose of provera. It came back negative (at least I swear it did) and so I took the provera. Well 10 days later (April 13) I still hadn't started my period (you are supposed to start 5 days after taking provera) and so I took another pregnancy test and it came back positive! I was SO excited and also kind of doubtful of the results and so we bought another test and took it and it also came back positive!! I was so excited! I had wanted this for so long and it was finally going to happen.

Test #2
We had our first OB appointment with Dr. Merrill on April 30th (I was 8 weeks) and everything seemed to be fine at that appointment. He told us that it was too early to hear the heartbeat and that we would be able to hear it at the next appointment. The next day I received a call from the nuMoM2b study asking me to be a part of their study. Benefits of being in the study included 3 different ultrasounds through out your pregnancy and I thought that would be a lot of fun, so we decided I would join the study and we set up my first appointment with them for a couple weeks later.

The Gift Basket
Shaun and I decided that we wouldn't tell anyone (okay so I did tell some people... I was REALLY excited!! I couldn't wait) until we told our Mom's on Mother Day.We invited them over for a nice pot roast dinner and then gave them their presents. I had made gift baskets with baby bananas, baby carrots, Babybel cheese and a baby pineapple in it. I also made a card to go along with it that announced our new addition. All of our parents were really excited! It was fun to get to share our big news with them.

Then came the day of my first ultrasound. I was nervous and happy all at the same time. Shaun wasn't able to go with me because he had work he needed to do, but I completely understood. So I get to my appointment and they take me back and start explaining to me what would be happening during the course of the study and what I would be receiving from it. Then it came time for the ultrasound. The ultrasound tech started looking around and doing her measurements and stuff, all the while I am watching the ultrasound on a monitor on the wall. I have never had an ultrasound done before so I didn't really know what I was looking for so I honestly was completely oblivious to what was really going on. Once the ultrasound tech is close to being done she informs me that she is unable to find a fetus, but that she wants to find a doctor to double check what she is seeing. I honestly at this point couldn't absorb what she was telling me. Even after her and the nurse went to find the doctor it wouldn't sink in. How could this be? How can there not be a baby in there? The news didn't really sink in until the doctor came to do another ultrasound on me to see what he found and the results came back the same. There was no fetus growing. I had had a miscarriage. The doctor told me that I had a blighted ovum or an anembryonic pregnancy. I was devastated. How could one week go from being the happiest week of my life to the worst in a matter of days? 

What the ultrasound looked like...
The nurse and the doctor left me in the room so I could try and contain myself and make a call to Shaun. I called him and he was great. He immediately dropped everything he was doing and came to the hospital to comfort me (I really do have an AMAZING husband!). I honestly feel like I had let everyone down. Everyone was so happy and looking forward to us having a child and I wasn't able to deliver. I just wanted to curl up in a ball and cry, but no luck! It was my last night of finals week and so I couldn't miss class.

The next day I called my doctors office to see what the next steps were and they were really nice. My doctors nurse wasn't there that day, but the nurse who was filling in for her was great and I really appreciated it. It wasn't a call I every thought I would have to make and so it made it way easier with the way she handled it. Dr. Merrill was willing to work me into his schedule if I felt like I need to be seen that day, but I decided that I would be okay waiting until the appointment I had setup for the next week. The waiting game had officially began.

The nice gift & card
I was lucky in the fact that there wasn't a lot of pregnant ladies in the waiting room when I got there for my appointment. I am not sure I would have been able to handle that. Anyhow... On to the appointment. We get taken back to the room and are told that the doctor would be in shortly. Next thing I know Dr. Merrill's nurse is opening the door and she hands me a nice little present and card. It was so nice and thoughtful of her! It totally made me feel special. Once Dr. Merrill got into the room we talked about what could have caused the miscarriage (did you know that 22% of pregnancies result in a miscarriage?) and we discussed the option for getting the sac out. 1) I could wait for it to happen naturally 2) I could take a medication or 3) I could have a D&C.  We decided on options 2 and we decided to wait to do that option until the weekend so I didn't have to miss any more work and to see if I would be able to pass it on my own since I was already having some cramping going on.

Friday Night rolled around and Shaun was great and helped me with the pills and we headed to bed (this was around midnight). Around 5 AM I woke up in extreme pain. It was like NOTHING else I had ever experienced before. I didn't want to wake Shaun so I went to the bathroom down the hall so I wouldn't bother him. After a few minutes I decided I would try going back to bed, but by the time I got back to our room  I knew that wasn't going to work, due to the cramping/pain I was having that the amount of bleeding that was happening. So I headed to the bathroom in our room. I had shut the door so I didn't bother Shaun and it worked for a while until I REALLY needed him. I had been calling his name with the door closed and he couldn't hear me, but once I opened the door he was able to hear me and he came to my rescue. I asked him to give me a blessing, which was a great comfort to me. With that and some Lortab (mostly the blessing) I was able to go back to sleep for a couple more hours. The pain hasn't been as bad since.

As I have looking into blighted ovum's more my pregnancy symptoms start making a lot more sense. I was occasionally nauseated, but I had only thrown up one time the whole time. As time went on things the symptoms seemed to decrease and all of this is common with this type of miscarriage. Part of me the whole time was worried about the pregnancy symptoms being worse than they were. I had read that those who don't have morning sickness have a high chance of miscarrying... I guess I provide that right.

It has been a week now and things have definitely better for the most part. I still have my days where it is really hard, but I am sure that will take time. I have my days were I am kind of bitter. I really just want one baby. That is all I am asking for and I see people around me having their third and fourth babies. Some days I don't think it is fair and other days I know that it just isn't the right time for us. So for now we are going to take things one day at a time.

Things that I have learned from this experience
1) I can get pregnant. This is something I was wondering if it was ever going to happen. We don't know if I can maintain a pregnancy, so we will just have to wait and see. I still believe that it will happen for us.

2) That I have an amazing husband. So I already knew this, but this whole experience has just confirmed to me how amazing his is. He is been so great and supportive through this whole thing. I am so glad I married him.

3) That my Heavenly Father loves me (I knew this already too...) and that He wants what it best for me. I am not quite sure what I am supposed to learn from this whole thing, but I know that someday I will look back and I will realize what it is.

I didn't write this blog to make you feel bad for me. I wrote it because needed to write this experience down for me. I am hoping that is will help me get past some of the feelings I am having and that I will be able to make it through this whole thing better. I do appreciate all the love and support I have received as I have gone through this and as I continue to go through it. 


Kara said...

Alicia, your faith and dedication are an inspiration. You are not alone- I have a post similar to this one on my own blog. Ryan and I are thinking about and praying for you and Shaun!

Chelsea said...

I totally understand what you must be feeling. I've felt a lot of those same feelings at one time or another.

The Kimmer Kollection said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
The Kimmer Kollection said...

Alicia i am so glad that you wrote this. Sometimes just writing it out is very healing. I am so glad you have such a caring Dr and nurse. That must be a huge comfort. And i am so glad your husband is a true man. Someone who cares for his wife. After we miscarried our first (i was also alone at that appointment like you so i understand all of those same feelings) jayson went to EVERY Dr appointment with me for both our daughter and our son. It was a huge comfort to know that if something went wrong again i wouldn't be alone.

Megan Christensen said...

Alicia! Knowing you can get pregnant is a huge relief! Focus on that! It will happen! Keeping hoping! I truly believe that my insane amount of hope is what led heavenly father to giving me my two boys! Please let me know if I can help! You know my history and I am happy to share whatever I can to help you through this and the next difficult times!

Angela McBride said...

After nine years of trying to get pregnant I really do understand your pain. People who have an easy time getting pregnant just don't understand. It's hard to explain the conflicting feelings. When someone around you gets pregnant you are happy for them but it's so hard not to also be jealous, angry, and sad because it's not you. It's especially hard to see the people you know will be or already are terrible parents popping kids out so easily. Often it's not even on purpose. When they say that you really want to wring their necks!

Angela McBride said...

Continued fro comment above... Anyway I am really glad you shared your experience. I think there need to be more places for women to go to talk about these feelings. It is hard. And as women we totally take it upon ourselves that we haven't done our womanly duty or that we've done something wrong. It's easy to feel guilty and feel like a failure. What has carried me through it is remembering that the Lord knows better than I do. He will provide in his time what he knows is best. I know in our situation if we had had a baby nine years ago sooo much would be different. We thought we were ready but we totally weren't. We would have really struggled and couldn't have provided for our child without leaning on welfare systems. Now we are more established, have our own home, have a much stronger marriage, and are truly ready. Try to have faith in him AND his timing. I know that it will happen for you and that you will be an amazing mother! Because of our struggles we will appreciate and cherish the gift we are given so much more. I've talked alot with Leeann about it because it took them 14 years! And it's been so nice to know that I'm not a bad person for having the thoughts I do. That all those who struggle getting pregnant think the same thoughts. Anyway know that I am here if you ever need to talk. And that I really do understand your pain. I love you so much!!!!!