As some of you may know Shaun and I have been trying to get pregnant for a couple years now and it hasn't happened for us. I wasn't very happy with the doctor that I have been seeing for the last couple of years and so I decided to switch and start seeing someone else. The doctor I decided I wanted to see had a 10 month waiting list, but we decided that was okay because I was in school and I wasn't so sure being pregnant and doing school would work. Well as the time for my appointment got closer I realized that I had a conflict with school and need to change the appointment. I called to see when I would be able to switch the appointment to and the first person I talked to told me that it would be another nine months before I would be able to get into see the doctor. This I was not okay with. I was almost done with school and I was really ready to move on to the next chapter of my life. I was basically back to square one. I asked around and got a few recommendation to go see Dr. Robert Merrill and so I called to schedule an appointment and was able to get in within a couple of weeks. It was the best decision I have made in a long time! Dr. Merrill is awesome!
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| Test #1 |
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| Test #2 |
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| The Gift Basket |
Then came the day of my first ultrasound. I was nervous and happy all at the same time. Shaun wasn't able to go with me because he had work he needed to do, but I completely understood. So I get to my appointment and they take me back and start explaining to me what would be happening during the course of the study and what I would be receiving from it. Then it came time for the ultrasound. The ultrasound tech started looking around and doing her measurements and stuff, all the while I am watching the ultrasound on a monitor on the wall. I have never had an ultrasound done before so I didn't really know what I was looking for so I honestly was completely oblivious to what was really going on. Once the ultrasound tech is close to being done she informs me that she is unable to find a fetus, but that she wants to find a doctor to double check what she is seeing. I honestly at this point couldn't absorb what she was telling me. Even after her and the nurse went to find the doctor it wouldn't sink in. How could this be? How can there not be a baby in there? The news didn't really sink in until the doctor came to do another ultrasound on me to see what he found and the results came back the same. There was no fetus growing. I had had a miscarriage. The doctor told me that I had a blighted ovum or an anembryonic pregnancy. I was devastated. How could one week go from being the happiest week of my life to the worst in a matter of days?
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| What the ultrasound looked like... |
The next day I called my doctors office to see what the next steps were and they were really nice. My doctors nurse wasn't there that day, but the nurse who was filling in for her was great and I really appreciated it. It wasn't a call I every thought I would have to make and so it made it way easier with the way she handled it. Dr. Merrill was willing to work me into his schedule if I felt like I need to be seen that day, but I decided that I would be okay waiting until the appointment I had setup for the next week. The waiting game had officially began.
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| The nice gift & card |
Friday Night rolled around and Shaun was great and helped me with the pills and we headed to bed (this was around midnight). Around 5 AM I woke up in extreme pain. It was like NOTHING else I had ever experienced before. I didn't want to wake Shaun so I went to the bathroom down the hall so I wouldn't bother him. After a few minutes I decided I would try going back to bed, but by the time I got back to our room I knew that wasn't going to work, due to the cramping/pain I was having that the amount of bleeding that was happening. So I headed to the bathroom in our room. I had shut the door so I didn't bother Shaun and it worked for a while until I REALLY needed him. I had been calling his name with the door closed and he couldn't hear me, but once I opened the door he was able to hear me and he came to my rescue. I asked him to give me a blessing, which was a great comfort to me. With that and some Lortab (mostly the blessing) I was able to go back to sleep for a couple more hours. The pain hasn't been as bad since.
As I have looking into blighted ovum's more my pregnancy symptoms start making a lot more sense. I was occasionally nauseated, but I had only thrown up one time the whole time. As time went on things the symptoms seemed to decrease and all of this is common with this type of miscarriage. Part of me the whole time was worried about the pregnancy symptoms being worse than they were. I had read that those who don't have morning sickness have a high chance of miscarrying... I guess I provide that right.
It has been a week now and things have definitely better for the most part. I still have my days where it is really hard, but I am sure that will take time. I have my days were I am kind of bitter. I really just want one baby. That is all I am asking for and I see people around me having their third and fourth babies. Some days I don't think it is fair and other days I know that it just isn't the right time for us. So for now we are going to take things one day at a time.
Things that I have learned from this experience
1) I can get pregnant. This is something I was wondering if it was ever going to happen. We don't know if I can maintain a pregnancy, so we will just have to wait and see. I still believe that it will happen for us.
2) That I have an amazing husband. So I already knew this, but this whole experience has just confirmed to me how amazing his is. He is been so great and supportive through this whole thing. I am so glad I married him.
3) That my Heavenly Father loves me (I knew this already too...) and that He wants what it best for me. I am not quite sure what I am supposed to learn from this whole thing, but I know that someday I will look back and I will realize what it is.
I didn't write this blog to make you feel bad for me. I wrote it because needed to write this experience down for me. I am hoping that is will help me get past some of the feelings I am having and that I will be able to make it through this whole thing better. I do appreciate all the love and support I have received as I have gone through this and as I continue to go through it.
7 comments:
Alicia, your faith and dedication are an inspiration. You are not alone- I have a post similar to this one on my own blog. Ryan and I are thinking about and praying for you and Shaun!
I totally understand what you must be feeling. I've felt a lot of those same feelings at one time or another.
Alicia i am so glad that you wrote this. Sometimes just writing it out is very healing. I am so glad you have such a caring Dr and nurse. That must be a huge comfort. And i am so glad your husband is a true man. Someone who cares for his wife. After we miscarried our first (i was also alone at that appointment like you so i understand all of those same feelings) jayson went to EVERY Dr appointment with me for both our daughter and our son. It was a huge comfort to know that if something went wrong again i wouldn't be alone.
Alicia! Knowing you can get pregnant is a huge relief! Focus on that! It will happen! Keeping hoping! I truly believe that my insane amount of hope is what led heavenly father to giving me my two boys! Please let me know if I can help! You know my history and I am happy to share whatever I can to help you through this and the next difficult times!
After nine years of trying to get pregnant I really do understand your pain. People who have an easy time getting pregnant just don't understand. It's hard to explain the conflicting feelings. When someone around you gets pregnant you are happy for them but it's so hard not to also be jealous, angry, and sad because it's not you. It's especially hard to see the people you know will be or already are terrible parents popping kids out so easily. Often it's not even on purpose. When they say that you really want to wring their necks!
Continued fro comment above... Anyway I am really glad you shared your experience. I think there need to be more places for women to go to talk about these feelings. It is hard. And as women we totally take it upon ourselves that we haven't done our womanly duty or that we've done something wrong. It's easy to feel guilty and feel like a failure. What has carried me through it is remembering that the Lord knows better than I do. He will provide in his time what he knows is best. I know in our situation if we had had a baby nine years ago sooo much would be different. We thought we were ready but we totally weren't. We would have really struggled and couldn't have provided for our child without leaning on welfare systems. Now we are more established, have our own home, have a much stronger marriage, and are truly ready. Try to have faith in him AND his timing. I know that it will happen for you and that you will be an amazing mother! Because of our struggles we will appreciate and cherish the gift we are given so much more. I've talked alot with Leeann about it because it took them 14 years! And it's been so nice to know that I'm not a bad person for having the thoughts I do. That all those who struggle getting pregnant think the same thoughts. Anyway know that I am here if you ever need to talk. And that I really do understand your pain. I love you so much!!!!!
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